On Being a Writer

I’ve been a writer for as long as I could remember. When I was a kid I would write stories on printer paper, with my own (very poor) artwork scribbled underneath the words. When I got to college, I chose writing as my concentration because I knew that no matter what else I tried, it was the only thing I would ever feel truly passionate about.

And while in the past year I have grown and changed so much, I have also written less than I ever have.

Looking back on who I was a year ago, I know that my growth was substantial. I can feel it. I’m more confident, I learned that I enjoy being a leader, when I spent my entire life as a follower. I know I want to make changes. I know I want my voice heard, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Which begs the question: is it possible to lose yourself and find yourself at the same time?

I know that I am a writer to the core. But with school, work, and the need for food and sleep, by the time I have time to write, I’m too exhausted to put pen to paper. (Or, rather, fingers to keyboard.) I’m still bursting with ideas, but I don’t have the energy for the follow through. A lot of times as I fall asleep at night, or as I drive away from work, I wonder if all the growth is worth anything.

Adulthood, I’m realizing, is a lot of push and pull between following your dreams and doing what’s expected of you. What’s rational. Between work and school and doing what I love.

Writing was the one thing I never lost. My world is completely different today than it was even one year ago, not to mention five years ago. Through grade school and middle school and high school and all the phases of wanting to be a fashion designer, or a lawyer, or a director, the one thing that never changed was that I never stopped writing. It was (and is) my only constant in an ever-changing world.

Even though my life became consumed with all of the expected, writing was always on my mind. It was always what I wanted to be doing. I’ll be forever grateful for how much I changed and grew during the time when it fell to the wayside, but I know it will always be my top priority.

So, to answer my question, I believe that yes, you can lose yourself and find yourself at the same time. In fact, I think that sometimes you have to. I believe I had to know what it was like do something other than write. I had to know that I could. I had to realize my potential. And while this past year wasn’t the best for my writing, I learned different things.

I also realized that sometimes it’s good to lose yourself a little bit. I needed to shed a little bit of the insecure layer of skin I’d been holding onto since high school. For the longest time, all I knew was writing. Now I know so much more. I just needed to put it aside for a while to see how much it mattered, and how much more I needed to know.

Now that I can return to my writing with a force I haven’t had for over a year, I will use all my time to grow my personal self, my work self, and most importantly, my writer self. A full-fledged, all-angled attack on who I am. I know myself inside and out. Or, at least I’m beginning to.